Home > counseling, infidelity, marriage > Recovering from an Affair (Part Two)

Recovering from an Affair (Part Two)

Recovery Strategies

Even though infidelity has a devastating impact on marriages, many do survive. Let’s look at what it takes for a relationship to recover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

1. Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.
2. Make the choice to practice fidelity.
3. Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.
4. Spend plenty of time with your family.
5. Find a therapist and explore what has happened in your marriage.
6. Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.
7. Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.
8. Admit that you were wrong. Admit everything and let it all out.
9. Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to obtain forgiveness. Then, do it.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

1. Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.
2. Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.
3. Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.
4. Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.
5. Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.
6. Establish a safe environment where you can learn about what happened.
7. When you are ready, create a ritual for letting go of the anger and forgiving.

Prevention Steps

Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?
1. Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.
2. Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.
3. Make time for each other.
4. Look for opportunities to talk and listen.
5. Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.
6. Avoid high-risk situations. Discuss these with your partner and ask him or her to do the same.
7. Be polite to your partner.
8. Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.
9. Spend regular private time together.
10.Greet your partner when he or she comes home.
11. Show that you are glad to see your partner. Be energized and pleasant.
12. Recommit to your values. Make the decision to live in keeping with what you believe is right.
13. Accept that you are responsible for your own well-being.
14. Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.
15. Look for ways to express appreciation and respect.
16. Think of ways to enhance your partner’s self-esteem.

An affair can happen to anyone, but it is possible to recover if both partners are willing to commit to the process. I hope that these suggestions will lead your marriage to peace if an affair has occurred. God blessings be with you all.

  1. JimmyBob
    September 26, 2007 at 4:33 am

    Good work Mike. My youth pastor and his wife had to go through all these things. Not when I was a teen, but after I was off to Bible college. He had an affair with a woman in the church.

    I think this must be one of the hardest situations to ever go through. I don’t know if I’d have the strength to get through it.

    They are fully recovered now; even pastoring a church in PA. Explaining to me on the phone, he said, “When you fall, fall toward the cross.”

    God bless you!

  2. Matthew
    September 28, 2007 at 2:26 pm

    This is needed stuff

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