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LarkNews.Com

If you are a fan of clean satire, and comedy then you will love LarkNews.com. All of the articles on there are made up, but are from a Christian perspective. Below is a copy of one of their articles. I hope you enjoy.

Bible Quiz Doping Probe Widens

LENEXA — Eleven-year-old Todd Bradley was a Bible Quiz wunderkind, leading his church’s team to the finals three years in a row and winning the championship in 2004. But in February, urine tests revealed that Bradley and three other team members had been taking “quiz cocktails” — performance-enhancing drugs which improve memory and fact retention. They were stripped of their title and banned from competition.

“Bible Quiz has lost its innocence,” says observer James Delaney of the Houston Chronicle. “Doping is rampant. It’s a new game.” The latest bomb was thrown by former Bible Quiz champ Danny Andrews, whose best-selling book Happy Hour refers to the pre-competition moments when quizzers “gathered in bathroom stalls and gulped quiz cocktails and espressos,” he says. “When I began competing, nobody was doping,” he says. “We’d maybe drink a Jolt cola before matches. Now it’s a science. By the time the match starts, kids are so hopped up they could quote the book of Ezekiel verbatim.”


In the ’90s, as churches poured money and prestige on winners, kids began mixing memory-enhancing drinks which evolved into complex cocktails containing ephedra, ginseng and caffeine. Quizzers topped them off with 2-3 Red Bulls.

Now beleaguered Bible Quiz contests across the country have instituted strict “anytime, anywhere” testing policies. Quizzer Samantha Roberts was at a La Quinta Inn before a match in February when two female Bible Quiz testers knocked on her hotel room door, ushered her to the bathroom and watched as she urinated into a sample cup. Her parents stood in the hallway, perplexed. But the new scrutiny doesn’t bother Samantha.
“It’s part of competing,” she says. “They weed out the cheaters.” The next day, Samantha’s team won a regional match against rival First Baptist Church of Lexington, whose team was gutted last year after players tested positive for banned substances.

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Categories: comedy, satire
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